I have written multiple letters to loved ones. I have ensured that my finances are in order. There will be a note saying I want my daughter to be given my helmet....
I assure you that as soon as this is posted I will receive phone calls from firefighters, family and friends. Let me say that I'm not suicidal. I do not plan on doing this. But if it was that easy to openly say how you feel we could prevent so many senseless firefighter fatalities. We would know when our brothers are struggling and be able to reach out to them.
But we can't, we don't know. We are all unprepared for the news that a brother has taken his life.
I write this article with much more experience than I would care to admit. As I said I am not suicidal. MY LIFE DOES NOT SUCK!!! I love my daughter. I love my job, I love the guys I work with. I love my family. I love the opportunities that I have created with the Hosemonkey. I love knowing that I created those outcomes. I am at a great place in my life...and it continues to get better.
I tell you how great it is to tell you how bad it was. In the past I have been in some very dark places. A cheating wife, divorce, not seeing my child, my finances spiraled out of control from what my ex had done, I lost 2 vehicles, my camper, and almost the house. And my dog died!!! I spent many nights planning my death, I had everything arranged for when I was gone. I drank hard, abused medications, pulled away from everyone at the station. I spent countless nights thinking tonight is the night. Ok so life was shit, I was there. But let me explain my version of suicide...I didn't want to be dead. It was just I didn't want that devastating reality.
Think about you are upstairs in high heat, no visibility, lost and disoriented. The flames are coming and you find a window... the room is going to flash. In any other situation you won't jump out that window, and you don't WANT to jump out that window. But it is the only option you see. THAT is my version.... I wanted escape from where I was.
But I tell you brothers, there is another option. Whatever it is that's your "fire" that you are trying to get away from... you can. You are a firefighter... be aggressive, find a new door and kick that bitch down! Make changes. This depression is not the book of your life, it may be a sentence, a paragraph, even a chapter....but not the story of who you are.
My life was a fucking disaster. But now I am happier than ever, I have found new motivation to improve as a firefighter, I am almost debt free. I have found countless great moments through the Hosemonkey. I meet new brothers. I was promoted this year. My biggest fan is a five year old princess that brags to strangers that her dad is a firefighter.
If you do have a "fire" that you can't handle I tell you brother please pick up the phone and call someone. If you find yourself struggling with depression, go find that probie and teach him, take time to see his admiration of you. If you need, reach out to me. I've been there.
PS: Please everyone like and share... Make this go viral. My name is Jason Bostron, our page is "The Hosemonkey" message me privately or on The Hosemonkey. I will pick up the phone and call. If together we can prevent just one brother from making a mistake we have succeeded.